7 Reasons Why You Can’t Get Over A Breakup

In my research, I found that 80% of the emotional pain experienced after a relationship breakup is due to these seven reasons:

1. Excessive Attachment and Connection to Your Former Partner

Over the course of a romantic relationship, we can form powerful bonds with our partners. Naturally, these bonds are hard to sever and forget.

In a study by Kitson and Holmes (1992), around 30% of divorced individuals still had a connection with their spouses. Their attachment was still present even up to four years after the separation.

2. Monitoring Your Ex or Proximity Seeking Strategies

While some of these seven reasons are more difficult to control, others are almost self-inflicted.

One, that's almost self-inflicted, is monitoring or checking on your former partner. Attempts to maintain the bond with your ex are called 'proximity behaviors'.

Following your ex's life via social media can maintain your connection to them, and by doing this, you're perpetuating your distress. But, sometimes you have no choice. For example, you may have to be in contact with your ex because you have children together.

3. Desire For Reconciliation

If you didn't desire to end the relationship or you thought you might have made a mistake by initiating it, you could have developed an unhealthy desire for reconciliation. But, trying to get back your ex is usually a terrible idea.

Why is that?

Successful reconciliations are rare. Very few couples survive the first anniversary after getting back together (Wineberg, 1994).

4. Avoiding Reminders Of The Breakup, Upsetting Thoughts Or Feelings

In my study, I found that shouting out distressing thoughts, images, or memories is associated with not moving on.

Avoiding reminders also makes getting over your breakup more difficult. Try not to use avoidance if you want to move on. The more avoidance you use, the longer you'll take to recover.

5. Anger Rumination

If you continue to rehash your fights and disagreements that led to your breakup or dwelling on how badly your ex has been treating you, you're not likely to get over a breakup.

Ruminating angrily following a breakup, separation, or divorce is quite common.

First, you have to learn to identify those times when you go over and over anger-provoking situations involving your ex. Then, you need to disrupt this mental process.

6. Rumination about not understanding the reasons for the breakup

It's easy to feel confused after a breakup. Understanding what led to the breakup may not always lead to a better adjustment (e.g., breakup following an affair).

If you don't understand why the relationship ended, you may fill the gaps badly, and that may lead to rumination.

Rumination will get you stuck in pain for longer. You need to accept that you’ll never know the reasons for the breakup with 100% certainty and move on with your life.

7. Intrusive thoughts, images, and memories

Intrusions are upsetting thoughts, images, or memories (good or bad) that pop up in your mind without warning. They have the power to make you go back in time to that particular situation and relive it again.

Intrusions are very distressing because they are involuntary and unwanted. If you avoid or try to neutralize your upsetting thoughts, images, or memories (e.g., by shutting them out or using distraction techniques), you're making your problem worse.

The more you try to shout out your intrusions, the longer your intrusions will upset you.

Find out why you can't get over your breakup in less than 2 minutes. Enter your email in the box below and access the quiz to find out if you present one of these seven factors.

References

Kitson, G. C., and Holmes, W. M. (1992). Perspectives on marriage and the family. Portrait of divorce: Adjustment to marital breakdown. Guilford Press.

Wineberg, H. (1994). Marital reconciliation in the United States: Which couples are successful? Journal of Marriage and the Family 56: 80–88.